Heart Surgery Update!

          Oh boy.. Where do I start... I broke down in the hospital as they took him away and popped a little blood vessel in my eyeball. I knew that if they didn't take him fast enough I would break down into a million pieces.
There was a split second after I said goodbye to him that I changed my mind. I wanted to yell...
"Please don't take him! I've changed my mind! I want him back and you can't have him!"...
But instead I ran...
As soon as the door shut behind me I could hear myself screaming from far away...
 (Thoughts inside my head- What if his heart stops? This will be all my fault for fighting as hard as I did. Why am I being so selfish? Other parents go through worse! What if he'll hate me for putting him through this? He's missing school and he'll fall behind. This is going to affect him emotionally, I just know it. Why did I ask his dad to come? I've been doing this alone for years! I'm doing it for my son. My son needs his father to be here. He SHOULD be here. He SHOULD be going through this with me. I know... I'll buy my baby a giraffe from the gift shop)...
GIRAFFE?? .... Yes giraffe!
The pediatric area of the hospital has a "giraffe elevator" and I teased my son about it when I saw it. I told him they found out he is the tallest kid in his grade so they built an elevator tall enough for a giraffe so he would fit haha. Everyone laughed.. (I forbid anyone from coming that couldn't control their emotions so I made sure to make everything funny and talk about our plans after the surgery).

This was taken right before the surgery... They brought him an xbox so he wouldn't be bored. 

Can we say awesome sauce?!

Boy was he grumpy after the procedure... No visitors please! 

It only lasted about 30 minutes..

Here's my happy boy! Lets go home mom!

OMG THANK YOU GOD WE'RE HOME
So of course his bff furbaby (Hercules pom/chihuahua mix) had to suffer being away from his best friend because he could accidentally open his incisions. I was so grateful that no one was calling my phone and they were giving me space. The house was quiet and he had to lay flat. We did this for about a week including giving him Motrin and having followup appointments. Of course this entire time I didn't sleep. I needed to get up every 20 minutes because he needed something... even throughout the night. I figured it was like having a baby again and getting up every 2 hours so I just sucked it up and did it with a smile. Everything was finally OK. We were going to be OK. He was starting to have more energy and walking a lot more. I really thought we were finally in the clear. Then....

OMG PLEASE NOT AGAIN.. GOD PLEASE...

Do you see the giraffe?

My Baby- "Mom..." (as he comes in the kitchen clutching his chest)
ME- "omg. Whats wrong"
My Baby- "My heart.... it hurts I cant breathe..."
ME- "ok I'm calling 911 lay down and stay calm so your body can help your heart, slow breathes baby"
ME- (omg not again. I thought this was over. I will have their heads if something went wrong!)
Everything went so fast. We ended up in the ambulance being transferred from the palm springs area all the way to Loma Linda Hospital. The local hospital was too scared to see him, they thought it was best to take him back where the doctors knew his situation.
At the hospital I was angry and I wasn't leaving without answers. They ran every test they could before finally coming to the conclusion that his heart was perfectly healthy now and it was just the nerves that were irritated and his muscles were strained because they had to travel to his heart touching things on the way and stressing the muscles of the heart.
(I knew exactly what to do... mom to the rescue.)....

In the car on the way back home..

Someone was exhausted...

Giraffe is still his comfort buddy..

When I got home with him I gave him 500mg of Magnesium Citrate to relax his nerve endings and 200mg of L-Theanine to relax his mind and body so he wouldn't have anxiety. Did this work? YES! When it comes to my baby I follow my motherly instincts. He has not been able to participate in recess yet or vigorous activities but he is stronger everyday. When I asked him how he feels now he said,
" .... I really feel the blood flowing through my heart and I don't run out of breathe anymore when I try to walk fast. I feel like I have a brand new heart. I feel like I can do anything now. I can even take really deep breathes now."
ME AGAIN: Thank god and the prayers from everyone who knew what was going on....

Stay tuned for next weeks blog showing how he's currently doing! :D 

Life is full of ups and downs.. What matters most is how you handle it..

Take life by the bull horns! It's YOUR life! Take charge!

From where I stand: Before the surgery..

          Is it normal that I'm angry? Is it normal that I feel like I'm dieing inside? When the doctor said "ok then it's a done deal" why did I feel like my legs went out from under me? I thought I prepared myself for this? Here I am asking my mom in spanish to hold me because I'm about to pass out. I told her in spanish to stay calm and not look obvious because I didn't want to scare my son. Inside of me my whole world is falling apart and I'm screaming but I have to look at my perfect boy with a smile and tell him everything  is going to be ok. 

          "How are you feeling baby? SON: "a little nervous but I feel better after talking to the doctor. ME: "So you're feeling confident? Cause I want you to feel confident". SON: "yah mom I'm ok. I just want to know when it's going to happen so I can let my teacher and tae-kwon-do teacher know". 

ME: "I will take care of everything. I don't want you to be worried about anything. I love you son....". 

My Inner most personal feelings:
I just want to run...
Let's run as fast as we can and this problem won't catch us...
Can we please?
If we beg really hard, do you think we can do it?
Am I the most selfish mother on the planet for wanting my child to be as perfect as possible when I know other parents go through so much worse?
Is this why I binge ate yesterday? To punish myself for the things I feel? I lost 25 lbs and now I will go backwards because I am an emotional eater who stuffs feelings with food so the feelings don't have room to come up to the surface.....

          When he has an episode and has a heart arrhythmia I watch him helplessly. I beg god not to let his heart stop, not to let him die on me, not to let him be the youngest kid in America who has a heart attack. I don't let him feel sorry for himself. I teach him to push through things because life is tough and if you fall apart you accomplish nothing. I hold high expectations for him, I stress the need for the best grades and being a great citizen and not bullying and helping someone who is being bullied at the cost of losing friends because it's more important to be a good person.....
          He told me how he defended someone who was being bullied and how angry he felt because he is such a happy person. I've told him how his father changed a boys life in high school because he defended him.. 

         And here we are the next day, trying to schedule his heart procedure? How is this fair? Where's the balance? Here I go being selfish again. I think? I gave everything up in my life to be the mom he needed and be the best mom I could be including reading books and doing research on exactly how to do this because I've had a rough upbringing and all I know is that it has to be opposite of what I had and what I went through. I said goodbye to my Hollywood dreams without thinking twice. I live vicariously through maria menounos and giuliana rancic because I know that it could have been me. My son has given me a joy and sense of passion and strength I never knew I had inside of me. We have this bond so deep that I can't relate to people who hurt their children. I can't wrap my head around people who put themselves before their kids. (I get in trouble alot for putting my needs on the back burner constantly. I'm told it's ok to do things for myself once in a while. I would include this blog as something that is all me and makes me happy. If I inspire one person then it's all worth it....).

He has this entire month off and I know I wont have a minute to myself to cry it out. Every minute I feel like I'm going to burst into tears.. I cant talk to anyone on the phone because I dont want him to hear me talking about it. So I'm texting instead.. I took him out to one of our favorite restaurants and out for icecream to distract his mind a little. It was our family date day. I have always had faith in god even in the darkest times and this is a true test. I feel like I have had the oxygen taken right out of my lungs and a permanent knot in my throat. Thank You for reading... Im putting my heart and feelings out there to the world... -Divapinks-

This is us right before the appointment in the waiting room. 

His favorite.. Vanilla Bean Frapp. from Starbucks. Trying to spoil him a little.. :)

Icecream makes everything better lol.. 

This is what they gave me at the Heart Institute.. This is what he's having done.

There is a ton to read, its a pretty lengthy little booklet. It answers a ton of questions.

There is a 98% chance that if all goes well he will never have

heart problems again in his life. We have no family history of 

heart disease or trouble. 

If you've gotten this far I just want to say thank you to everyone 

being supportive and showing us so much love. I love you all and if 

I say this out loud I will cry and who knows when I will stop. Again, thank you for well wishes and prayers being sent our way... I will update again when he comes out of the procedure and we've made it home..